I woke up Monday to tragic news. My cousin died by her own hands. Suicide. My heart sunk, my eyes began to fill with tears and questions came to my mind. Why? Why? Why would a young, beautiful, wife, mother, daughter, cousin ,friend want to end her life? Only thirty years old, why?
As funeral plans were made, my soul ached. It ached for her husband,her children, my family and her friends. All left with questions. I cried out to God, why? Please, help me make some sense of this tragedy.
I truly believe God is faithful. I believe He is sovereign. I trust in Him. I started to think to myself, is my faith being tested? I know deep down inside that God doesn't test us in ways like this. He allows things to happen and works them out for good. Bad things happen because of sin. My faith was wavering as I kept thinking about what had taken place. I began to dig into my bible. I've learned over the years, it is the place to turn for the answers to my questions about the things I do not understand.
As I read in the first few chapters of Genesis, I came to the passage where Eve eats from the tree, then she handed the forbidden fruit to Adam. As Adam ate from the forbidden fruit, sin first entered into the world. The bible says, "They saw that they were nake and were ashamed." God called for them, "Adam, where are you?"
I've read these passages hundreds of times but this time, it was as if it were the very first time. Questions flooded my mind. I thought to myself why would a sovereign God ask where they were? He knew. Adam was hiding because he knew he was naked and ashamed. Sin in a instance entered into the world. I had my the answer to my question, Why? Sin that is why.
We live in a sin cursed world. That is why there is death, suicide, murder, adultery, depression, war, earthquakes, tornadoes and so many other horrible things that happen every single day. Meditating on this passage in Genesis,like never before, I realized I am no different than my cousin. We are both sinners. Sin entangles us into a web, like a spider capturing its prey. It entangles us do deeply, sometimes we lose hope. My cousin lost hope.
Examining my life, I realized I too am entangled in a web of hopelessness. On the outside, I have everything. A loving husband, beautiful children, a comfortable life, faith, and so much more. However,I have been choosing to not fully live my life the way God intended. He created man and woman for His glory. It hit me like a ton of bricks, does my life glorify God? My answer, NO.
Somehow in the midst of raising children, being a wife, sister, daughter, cousin and more, I realized I am just going through the motions. Breathing but not living. I've had little hope. I've not been living a life of gratitude. A life that glorifes God.
God has used the tragic death of my dear cousin, to peel the scales off of my eyes.
I have a job to do and I need to do it with gratitude. I am so undeserving of His grace but He still gives it to me freely. It's been a rough week emotionally and physicaly draining. However, I feel something I haven't felt in a long time. Hope. A desire to live my life to the fullest. A desire to choose gratitude instead of living out of my emotions. So, the next time I feel like crawling back under my favorite blanket and hide from the world, I'm going to remind myself of my cousin. A life cut short by hopelessness.
I'm using this tragedy for something good. I want to really live my life with joy and love for God and my family.I'm challenging myself to be more hopeful and more grateful.
Intentionally, hopeful and
grateful for a year.
its a start, for a full year, I will journal the things I'm grateful for and I will prayerfully thank God for His mercy and grace. The normal, mundane things I take for granted are blessings. Choosing gratitude will stretch me, change me, and guide me. I'm praying God will change me for the better. I am going to live my life intentional. Grateful. Hopeful. Thankful.
God isn't finished with me yet. For that, I am grateful.
